Dog Smell?

A photo that’s totally unrelated to this post, but doesn’t Toad look great learning to snowboard?

Okay, so once again I one about a month without writing anything. I actually feel really guilty for ignoring this blog for so long – I’m not quite sure why I have. I guess this place used to be a place for me to write how I was feeling without having to worry about anyone really criticizing me, at least anyone that I know in person. Then the blog got discovered by a couple of people that I do know in real life, and it caused a few problems – that tends to happen when people believe you’ve been writing bad things about them, even if you haven’t – so maybe that’s why I ignore the blog for so long.

I’m sorry I point in my life, however, what I really don’t care if people find the blog or if they get upset about what I write. I’ve said it before, I don’t go looking for, but it tends to find me simply when I’m being who I am. I tried a good person, I try to make my husband and my children proud of me, and I try to stand up for what I believe in. But even that tends to land me in hot water occasionally and I decided that since that seems to be my lot in life I may as well just embrace it and not worry if I annoy anyone.

The topic of the day? The cleanliness of my house. I’m having a bit of a struggle with someone and during the struggle it was brought up that my house is not very clean. You may immediately start thinking that my house looks like it belongs on an episode of Hoarders, but let me assure you that that is not the case simply because my husband has stated that he would divorce me if our house ever looked like that. in reality my house isn’t too bad, at least I don’t think it is. It’s a bit cluttered, it seems like the counter is never fully cleared and that even when I do clear it it gets it gets filled with junk again fairly quickly, and I definitely don’t dust as much as I should. Between Scott and I we keep up with the laundry the dishes and vacuuming and mopping and the basic cleanup as much as we can.

Should I do more cleaning in my house? Probably. I would love for my house to look like it could belong in a magazine, but I’ve come to the realization that that will likely never happen – not just because I’m not a neat freak, but also because I have absolutely no design sense. Sounds strange the photographer doesn’t have a sense of design, but there it is. Actually I do have a fairly decent sense of design, I just don’t have the wallet to match it, and am horrible at figuring out affordable ways to make your home look amazing.

There were a lot of comments during that conversation that bothered me, but the one that bothered me the most, and the one that came up a couple of other times, is the dog smell in my house. I have three dogs. Let me correct that, I have three very large dogs. These dogs do go outside and they do come inside. We consider these dogs members of our family and while they’re not allowed on the couch or on the bed, they do go anywhere in the house they want to. We also have quite a bit of carpet and from what I’ve researched apparently the dog smell stays stuck in the carpet very easily. I’m constantly chasing after dog hair and we brush them and wash them normally, yet apparently the dog smell in my house is noticeable. I’ve had a few people tell me that while it’s noticeable it’s not overwhelming and I think I would agree with that.

I’ve been looking up ways to get rid of the dog smell, and I really haven’t come up with anything concrete that seems to work for everybody. At the same time, I hate to defend myself over the situation. Yes, we have animals. Yes, they come inside. Yes, they do smell the place up sometimes. In return, however, we get lots of love, a feeling of security because they are large dogs and are fairly protective, and we get someone to cuddle with when were not feeling very happy. I guess I’ll deal with the dog smell.

I’m going to make a promise to myself that I’ll be writing on this blog and least every weekday. I need to get back into the habit of it for a variety of reasons. I’m not looking for tons of readers, I’m not looking for friends ( although finding some is always a wonderful treat), I simply need to write on this to help me retain my sanity.

Two Months

Wow – that is definitely the most amount of time I’ve stayed away from this blog since I started it. I’m actually glad that I took a little break, though. There were a lot of things going on – some of them work related and other family related – and I’m very glad that I had some time to relax and to enjoy my family.

So let me catch you up – what’s been happening lately? Toad is doing beautifully in school, which is a huge weight off my back. He had such a rough spring that the fact that he actually enjoys his classmates and most of his classes makes us very, very happy. 

Babygirl is just as smart as ever – she is in 2nd grade and her reading skills were tested recently and she’s reading at a beginning 4th grade level. The little stinker. She’s having some difficulty with math, however, so Scott’s going to start working with her in order to make sure that she doesn’t wind up like me, petrified of numbers! 

Scott’s doing beautifully as well. We recently discovered that those Breathe Right nose strips really help him to get deep asleep at night and that gives him much more energy, so he’s really happy about that!

I’ve been doing good. Babygirl was sick a few days ago and I seemed to have the crud yesterday, but feeling better today. I’m all excited for Christmas. The monkeys are getting pretty much everything on their Christmas list this year so that makes me very, very happy. While I don’t try to spend a fortune on Christmas, I do feel it’s important to get them the things that they REALLY want, and this year it was the 3DS. I also got Scott a great present and I can’t wait to watch him open it and HOPE he loves it!

I’ll start writing more – I miss writing for relaxation, and now that I’m using a dictating software my hands are getting a little break so it’s a lot easier. I may even start that novel I’ve been wanting to start!! 

Disappeared

So why did I disappear for, well, awhile? I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t in the hospital, and I sure as hell didn’t go on vacation. I’ve been busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. The photography business? This summer I said it had doubled, but I was wrong – it tripled. Because it tripled I’ve been busy, busy, busy. And now I’m feeling guilty, guilty, guilty.

I bawled last night. Scott held me in his arms and tried to figure out what was wrong, and I finally blurted out: “I didn’t spend any time with the kids this weekend.”

And it was true. Friday night we did our grocery shopping and my cousin came up to spend the weekend (she was my assistant as well), so I caught up with her while Babygirl played with her daughter. Saturday AM we were off for an hour drive and a VERY long wedding. Long and extremely fancy. So fancy my cousin felt out of place and I had to remind her that rich people put their pants on one leg at a time too. Unless they have maids, of course.

Then Saturday I was off for two family shoots and gone for most of the day.

So yeah, I didn’t see the monkeys much this weekend. I realized after I finished crying that the summer was easier because I’m home with them all week, and only gone on the weekends. And then I realized that most of my work is done during the summer right now (no studio…yet), and that I only have to get through a bit more and I’ll be slow all winter and that I can enjoy weekends with them then.

And yet we’re discussing building a studio downstairs. We have the room for it, we just need to clean it out (it’s a large room that’s sort of become our basement since we don’t have an actual basement), paint it white (it’s lime green right now LOL), and I need to get supplies like a backdrop and some additional lighting. The possibilities with owning my own studio would be almost endless, and I love the fact that I may be able to make money as well during the winter months.

I told Scott two years ago, when I built this business, that I wanted to do it slowly. I wanted to put emphasis on making high quality photography affordable again and on providing my for my clients. I told him the other day that I’m like the magician that lets you see what’s behind the magic curtain. I don’t hide my tricks and I have a very different view of photography than almost all photographers I know. I keep my prices low and I love that I can do that, especially in this area of the country where we tend to not make a lot of money.

And better yet if I have a studio in house I won’t have to travel as much, can offer great deals, and can play with my monkeys in between shoots, and that would make them, and me, very, very happy.

Accent VLog

So I know I’ve totally neglected my blog for, um, let’s not go there. Anyway, I’m back! Yay! Figured I’d kick things off with a fun accent VLog that I’ve seen going around the interwebs!

Wanna play! I hope so! If you do here are the words and questions you answer and please send me a link so that I can hear your accent!

Say the following words:
Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught

And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Wonderful Summer

It makes me so sad that in a bit over a week the kids will be back to school. It always happens this way – I get sad when they go back to school after the summer, then I get used to the quiet and being able to do work easily and get worried about them being home all summer – it’s an endless cycle! But I’m trying to enjoy them as much as I can while they’re home for the last little bit and yeah, I may just happen to be spoiling them as well .

In a few short days our Japanese friends will also be headed back home, and I’ll miss them a great deal. It was wonderful for the children to get to play with them and to be exposed to another culture, and I’m sure the girls loved it too.

All in all it’s been a wonderful summer – I only wish it wasn’t almost over.

So Incredibly Blessed

I know I’ve complained on here before – isn’t that what a blog is for? To say exactly how you’re feeling no matter whether it’s good/bad/ugly? But in the past few days I have felt so incredibly blessed that I’ve been stunned speechless.

Yes, it can happen.

Of course it all started with Scott’s amazing birthday surprise, but the surprises didn’t end there.

Our wonderful neighbors called and asked to take us all out to dinner for my birthday. The dinner was delightful and the company was wonderful! There were 9 of us as their (and our) friends from Japan were visiting as well. The mother and her two daughters will be here for another 9 days or so and we’ve thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them all (I’ll post pics soon, I promise!). I was beyond grateful for the dinner, but they didn’t stop there.

Our Japanese friend had 2 books sent from Japan for me! One teaches you how to write in Japanese and another shows you how to make gorgeous Bento boxes. Of course they’re both in Japanese so I guess I’d best get learning!

And then our neighbors, who have become like family to us, gave me a huge present – one that I’m still in shock over and still feel unworthy of.

I’ve complained before about how I don’t fit into my family, and the truth is that I don’t. Go to a family gathering and you’ll see that I stick out like a sore thumb (on EITHER side of the family!) But what I didn’t realize until the past few days is that I’ve built my own family. With Scott, the kids, my mother, great friends, and then those other special friends who have more or less adopted us into their lives, I feel as though I finally fit in somewhere.

And there is no better gift than that.

Most Amazing Birthday Ever

I have…issues…with my birthday. I always have. Things got worse after I got with Scott and his idea of a birthday was “eh, it’s just another day”. Somehow, though, in the past few years I’ve managed to hammer home the concept that your birthday is YOUR day, no one else’s, and it should be treated as thus, so he’s gone out of his way to make my days amazing.

This year, however, he outdid himself.

Let me set this up – a number of times this summer I’ve gone up to an equestrian stable to take photos for the owner to help her teach the girls as well as to get great shots for her website. So Scott called on her for my birthday to make the day great – we were going to do a trail ride, but since it rained it was decided that we would have an indoor riding lesson! That means I got to see Scott like this:

In the middle of the ring was this!

There was a whole alfresco experience set up for us to enjoy! It was going to be at the top of the hill but again, due to the rain plans got switched, which is more than okay with me because how amazing was this?

So after our lesson we sat down and the owner carted food up from her house. Baked chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad (yeah, I avoided the salad), biscuits, wine, water – it was all there!! And it was all delicious! She also let one of my favorite horses loose in the ring with us during dinner so that we could watch her. She’s a gorgeous black freesian and she even had a ring of fake roses around her neck!

Another glimpse of dinner:

Then, once dinner was over, she had one more treat for us: dessert, of course!

And there was strawberries and melted chocolate as well!!

Today my inner thighs are a bit sore (I rode w/o stirrups b/c I’m too short and she felt more secure with me riding that way) but I am so, so happy. Scott thoroughly outdid himself and then when we got to my mother’s house we enjoyed cake baked and decorated by her and the kids! I feel so loved and appreciated and so very unworthy of such amazing family and friends. My birthday was definitely the best and I told Scott that there’s no way he’ll ever top that.

He sees it as a challenge .

Abacus

See that photo? That’s my son and my neighbor – who is teaching my son how to use an abacus. And he actually understood how to use it. I’m still astounded by that. They tried to show me – I so didn’t get it. Yeah, numbers are NOT my forte.

Can’t Afford

So here’s how summer usually goes:

June – Kids get off of school and we spend a few weeks getting used to not having to wake up early. They have swimming lessons and lots of time on the trampoline.

July – Summer soccer starts and Scott gets vacation from work. We head to an amusement park (or something similar) for a family vacation.

August – Getting ready for back to school, enjoying the last few weeks of summer vacation, and my birthday (blah).

Last summer it didn’t go quite like that – we didn’t have any summer vacation because we were headed to Disney. The kids completely understood and I didn’t feel guilty AT ALL because I knew that come October they would be two very happy monkey-children. I fully expected that this year we’d be back to our regularly scheduled routine.

Only we’re not.

Kids had swimming lessons, Scott had vacation, we did summer soccer, but the vacation thing? Not happening.

And I feel horrible as hell about it.

Why isn’t it happening? Are we completely reckless with our cash and spend it all on ourselves? Not likely. I have 2 pairs of shorts. TWO. Yes we got a new vehicle this summer but we traded and the payment is about the same as the previous one. We didn’t go out to eat a lot and we actually saved money by finally getting high speed (we were able to shut off H*ughes net which is SO expensive). So why don’t we have the money to go anywhere?

My job is either feast or famine. Sometimes it’s feast, sometimes it’s famine. Last month it was totally feast! This month has yet to be decided yet. But wait, you say, what about all of those weddings you’ve been busy doing?

I’m owed $1,200 from those weddings.

I have 3 clients who have not paid yet. One has started making payments. One swears that she’s going to start making payments. And the other? I haven’t heard from in a few weeks.

We took the kids to a pizza place a few weeks ago – kinda like Chuck E Cheese but without the annoying mouse. Still that was under $50. We’ve paid bills, and still owe money for our oil, and no, we don’t have tons of credit cards (only 1).

We have enough money to pay our bills. We have enough money to buy the kids new school clothing and shoes, and enough to take them to the annual county fair in a few weeks. So compared to what life could be like we’re doing okay. And trust me, I’m BEYOND grateful that we have a house to call our own.

I see everyone on Facebook coming back from vacations. Some went camping (SO not going camping with the monkeys only because THEY DON’T STOP RUNNING AROUND AT THE CAMPGROUND and it’s more stressful than not!), many went to local amusement parks, and some traveled all the way to Maine.

I want to take the kids somewhere. My heart is broken because we can’t. They have been SO amazing this summer, dealing with me working and having photography clients over that they totally deserve to be taken somewhere amazingly fun even if only for a day. But I can’t swing it, and I’ve spent all day crying because of it.

Scott SWEARS that we can. He obviously forgets about new clothing (he thinks of things in 70′s prices and is shocked to find out that jeans cost over $10 a pair for boys jeans), forgets about little pesky things like groceries or oil, and swears that we can afford a trip anywhere we want to go, even though he has no idea WHERE to go. THAT is frustrating me most of all, as he’s getting the kids hopes up when I’m pretty sure that we can’t swing it right now.

*sigh*

Pride

I’m not a prideful person. If you were to look at me and to say “Randi, your photos are amazing! You should be extremely proud of yourself!” My answer would be, “Thank you so much.”

Inside, however, I’m thinking something very different.

Inside I’m wondering if you honestly mean what you’re saying. I wonder if you actually think my photos are good or if you’re just saying that they are to make me feel good. Like when you say “that baby is SO ADORABLE!” within earshot of the new mother and then, when the mother is no longer there you say “OMG that is the UGLIEST BABY I’ve ever SEEN!.”

I wonder if you actually looked at the photo or just glanced at it. I wonder why you like it – do you see what I see or are you just pretending?

I never think my photos are good enough.

I never think my work is good enough.

Hell, I never think I’m good enough.

I’ve been told by people close to me that I need to “get over it” – that I need to start taking pride in myself and my work.

Tonight my neighbor told me that I was a very humble person.

I don’t know if that’s the truth or if it’s more that I never feel good enough. I will guarantee you that I could have a huge art show, with critics saying over and over again how amazing my work was, and I would still say “wow, I must’ve gotten really lucky today. Maybe they were drinking or something.”

I have the support of some amazing people. My husband, for starters, has been extremely amazing about supporting me in anything I want to do. A number of family members have as well. My children have put up with me working constantly and having to deal with clients coming into our home (and the mad dash of cleaning that precludes their visit). What surprises me the most is that not only have friends supported me, but people I went to high school with who I never really had much to do with at the time. They have come out in droves to support and cheer me on.

It makes me extremely grateful. Grateful that I have such a wonderful husband, grateful that my children are amazing, grateful for my friends and supportive family members, and grateful that I went to a small school and that everyone is so supportive.

Does that mean that I’ll ever start believing that I’m an “amazing” photographer or that I am an awesome writer?

I highly doubt it.