It Shouldn’t Bother Me

4 Mar

So I was on Facebook yesterday and today.

I know – nothing good happens when you start a sentence with “I was on Facebook”.

I noticed a cousin of mine posting photos about a sleigh/sledding party. I saw photos of other cousins there. It looked like everyone was having a blast.

My grandmother (who is currently in FL) got onto the chat this morning. I asked if she knew what had been going on.

“Yes,” she replied, “it was the annual sledding/sleigh party that your Aunt puts on as a Christmas gift for everyone.”

That is so nice. It’s a really sweet idea. To invite all of your family to a sledding/sleigh party in lieu of buying everyone their own gifts. It promote unity, family, and likely saves a heck of a lot of money as well.

Everyone had a great time.

Or so I assume.

See, my family wasn’t invited. Me, Scott, and the kids were excluded from the party.

Why were we excluded, you may be asking? Did I do something horribly wrong to that side of the family to make myself become the black sheep or something?

No.

If I were to run into this Aunt tomorrow, she’d be all hugs and kisses and asking after the kids. All of my cousins chat with me on FB and seem to have a fine relationship with me.

So why was I excluded?

I. Don’t. Know.

If this were the first time this had happened, or the second, or even the third I guess I could understand. But it’s not. This always happens. Every time they have a gathering, I am not invited. I understand them not inviting us for Christmas, as they do the party on Christmas day and we have our own celebration here, but why not invite us other times?

My close friend is telling me that I should “let it go”. That they’re all just jealous and that I don’t need them.

I want to let it go. I don’t want to be bothered by this. I don’t believe they’re jealous – I honestly think either they truly dislike me OR they simply exclude me because they forget I even exist.

I’m not quite sure which one hurts worse.

My husband used to yell at me for being upset about things like this. Now he just hugs me and says “I’m sorry baby.” He acts like I’m too good for them – like we don’t need them. His family, however, invites him to gatherings.

I know things are wonky with me right now. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday – I think it was due to the high stress I was dealing with this weekend – it was a LOOONNNGGG weekend – and seeing those posts.

I feel fragile.
I feel sad.
I feel unwanted.
I feel unloved.
I feel frustrated.
I feel angry.
I feel….

Too. Much.

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One Response to “It Shouldn’t Bother Me”

  1. Jenera March 5, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    I heaved a big ‘ol sigh when reading this because I’ve been there. Quite frequently-as recent as this last weekend. I have ‘let’ some things and people go over the last few years and I’ve accepted that things change, relationships change, and I’ve changed. But it does still hurt to be on the outside looking in even if it’s by choice (in my case) or even when the logical side of your brain understands it. In my case, it’s like my emotional side hasn’t caught up with my logical side and that’s where the hurt comes into play.

    Daniel used to get mad at me too but I’ve finally got him to understand that it’s more about coming to terms with it rather than being hurt. I don’t have any magic words but I do understand it’s harder to let go of than people think. In times like these I just have to remember the people I DO have and try to stay sane.

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