Certain Truths

10 Jul
There are certain truths in the world that cannot be denied. Let me show you some examples.

If you have children and you have to get up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, you will invariably step on something.

If you have been excited for over a month about a vacation you’re about to take, it will rain.

If you’re a guy and being hit on by a beautiful woman who wants to have sex with you, you will not have any condoms with you.

See, simple things like that. These are what I consider certain truths, things that, no matter how bad you wish for them to change, will not.

This weekend I used my time to prove one of my simple truths: Randi can never win a contest.

Okay, this is so not a pity party…it’s simple truth! I’ll prove it!

The Evidence:

1. When I was living in my mother’s house, she never won anything. A few months after I moved out to go to college she won some scratch tickets…then a few thousand dollars at a casino…then a deep freezer…then a porch swing!

2. My husband’s family loves getting scratch cards for birthdays. I NEVER win on scratch cards. So for my brother-in-law’s birthday one year I went and picked the tickets out, shelling out five extra bucks for a few for me (the EXACT SAME TICKETS). I scratched them, got nothing. HE scratched them and won 200 bucks!

3. I was extremely involved in my high school’s theater (to show you how tiny my high school was? We topped out at 450 students). I was a wonderful singer who not only made Select Choir, but also managed to be accepted fairly young at our regional choir. HOWEVER, every time I tried out for a musical at school I never got a part. Not once! Not even a small role, I was always relegated to the choir. I wasn’t ugly, I wasn’t fat, and my acting was alright, but I NEVER got a role.

And now to this weekend. Our town is tiny, and a lot of the funds come from the landfill that resides on the borders of our town, therefore we have one great day every year, let’s call it Town Day. At Town Day there’s tons of food, drinks, a band, games for kids, a bouncy castle, a horseshoe tournament, bingo…you get the picture. And all of this is free! If you’re a resident of Town you don’t pay a dime! Last year they started a new tradition: a dessert contest. Now we didn’t go last year, so this year was the first I’d heard of it. I’m considered in my family THE BAKER…if we need a dessert for something, I’m always the one drafted. I recieve praise all over the place for my desserts, so I thought I was a shoe in!

After much debate I made Chocolate Lover’s Favorite Cake. This is a chocolate cake in a bundt pan with chocolate chips, sour cream, melted butter, 5 eggs, you get the picture: it’s good. I drizzled chocolate over it and put cut-up strawberry’s around the parimeter and regular strawberrys in the hole in the middle. I was PSYCHED to see that there were only five or six contestents, as I knew they had slots for three winners (you see where this is going, don’t you). I didn’t win a thing. Not first place, not second or even third (third went to some bronzed bimbo who’s never heard of skin cancer). And then the person who set it up came to me later and said, “maybe you’d like to be a taster next year…think about it.”

*sigh* I guess I’m meant to be relegated to the choir for the rest of my life…


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