16 Aug

Here’s the lowdown from yesterday, just so you understand.

Morning: Got up, found nice banner, got card from kids…got Dove Promises from kids, got call from grandmother wishing happy birthday. Got e-mail from mother, mother thought I didn’t want birthday, I informed said Mother that yes, I did want birthday, but from the sounds of it (trust me, if you read the e-mails, you’d agree) it sounded like everyone else was too busy. I explained how I’d taken LAST Sat. off because whenever we have a birthday to celebrate on Mon, Tues or Wed, we usually celebrate it the weekend before, but since they were camping, that didn’t happen.
Afternoon: Cry…bawl…cry some more…read e-mail from mom that states “I had written a nasty e-mail out but am not going to send it as it’s your birthday” Yeah, like that helps. Watch TV, fall asleep on the bed. Scott comes home and trys to get me to go to Chinese food…sorry babe, checkbook’s too tight. We have 30 bucks in their until Thurs and we need GAS!!!! My check will be shitty and we need MORTGAGE…not to mention school shopping. I could buy two pairs of jeans for Toad with the 20 bucks he’d spend on Chinese. The thought was there, but we couldn’t afford it.

Evening: Scott makes supper…Spaghetti (because he can’t cook much else). I play Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 for awhile, then tell him how I am a bit upset because I didn’t get a cake for my birthday. He runs out with both children at 7:30 to go buy said cake, making me feel worse for two reasons: one, he has to go out and get it that late, and two, because he didn’t think about it ahead of time. He explains later that he thought we would go somewhere for cake and ice cream, to which I asked if someone contacted him about it, and he admitted that no one had.

Night: Watch BB7…get tired (was bawling half the day), go to bed, Hubby wants to give massage (about an hour later then I would have liked it) and I say no, I’m tired. Hubby lays down and starts watching TV, I start bawling. Go to living room, get alcohol, watch TV for an hour. Go BACK into bedroom to find hubby snoring. Poke and prod said husband to have someone to talk to, but he keeps sleeping, so I go off on a rant. During rant, realize that I’ve never once come first in a man’s life…not my biological father’s (he has 3 boys and wouldn’t even know how old I am), not my step-dad’s life (he has 3 girls and feels guilty over their upbringing so he concentrates on that), and now not in hubby’s life (the kids! I can’t blame him, they come first for me too). Start bawling AGAIN, go to shower, take shower, which turns into bath, which turns into me talking to God…I’ll have to show you that conversation later. Go BACK to bedroom, tell hubby I’m going to the living room to sleep, when he shows me he’s been awake most of the time and just letting me rant. I finally run out of steam and fall asleep.

So yes, what a wonderful birthday huh? As stated before, three cards…one from kids, one from hubby, one from hubby’s grandparents. No money in them, no presents because hubby didn’t think AHEAD of time to getting me a present. Come on, it’s not like we don’t have an unused credit card just sitting in the drawer for emergencys…I’d consider your wife being presentless on her birthday an emergency. Then I asked him before bed to give me the present of him quitting smoking (again) and he replied that he’d rather try to find a million dollars to give me.

So yeah, I’m kind of in a wierd state today: Self Loathing, self pity, call it whatever you like. But BIG thanks to Megan for the Birthday wishes and to Jules for the support on the last e-mail. I really, really appreciate it you guys.

Now I’m off to bring Toad and Babygirl to their cousin’s house to play, while I sit and chat with the mother about…well…nothing probably.


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