Reinventing Myself

28 Nov

Once upon a time there was a babysitter in a small town. She thoroughly enjoyed babysitting, having the philosophy that a babysitter shouldn’t just watch the kids, but should enjoy playing with them, as their parents usually didn’t have/find the time. She was a very sought after babysitter, always booked for the weekends and always able to pay her mother the 90.00 every three months the insurance company required to let her drive her mother’s car.

She had some issues about herself and her family…what teenager doesn’t? But, all in all, she loved herself and her friends. She enjoyed life to the fullest, participating in chorus and some sports, and having a blast basically ruling the school. She wasn’t part of the “popular” crowd, but she and her friends had their own little group…hanging out in front of the lockers and skipping out of school at lunch to just go “hang”.

Then the girl went to college. There, she met a mother’s worst enemy…a boy. His name was D.M. and he immediately showed an interest in her. It was right at the time that she had declaired that she was too busy for boys…she was going to college full time and working part time, all while commuting from her mother’s house. A month after they started dating she wound up in bed with him (a first for her), and a month after THAT she was driving to meet his father four hours away.

Things progressed quickly, she felt so happy to be desired and wanted that she made sure she was what HE wanted in a girlfriend. She tried to like the things he liked and to do the things he did. They moved in together. The relationship lasted almost two years. She thought he was the one, everything he said and did showed that he thought so too. The next things she knew he was dating someone else and she was still living with him, trapped in the apartment watching the love of her life fall in love with someone else while she still had sex with her.

Then she met a man. He was six years older then she was and the best thing that could have happened at the time. They fell into each other and, two months after they met, she moved into his trailer. Four months after that they learned that they were to have a baby…surprise! She changed gears quickly into mother mode.
Five months after their baby was born (and she was juggling work, motherhood and college still) she found out her boyfriend’s mother was dying of cancer. Before she’d fully adjusted to being a mom, she was learning how to deal with death.
Six months later she was gone, and the two grieved. Also gone was the dream of college. Her babysitter had a heart-attack and was no longer able to care for her baby, so she quit and focused on work.
Seven months later they were married. Six months after that they were buying a house, and three months after THAT she found herself jobless and taking in her husband’s fifteen year old nephew.
She learned to adjust to being a stay at home mom and raising a teenager. She struggled through infertility and a difficult pregnancy. She experienced the joy of having another baby, and the crushing heartache that comes when a teenager becomes his own self…a self-destructive self. She struggled with learning how to budget bills and how to sacrifice; with parenting toddlers and anti-depressants.
She lost herself.
She realized one day, 9 years after she’d met her first boyfriend in college, that she wasn’t who she used to be anymore. She used to love playing with her babysitting charges, yet she found it difficult for sit for 20 minutes with her own children as thought would run through her mind about things that needed doing: laundry, dishes, bills, work, ect. The things she used to enjoy she didn’t anymore. She found herself contemplating her relationship with her husband, wondering if that was the problem…and, after meeting an old high school friend/boyfriend, wondered if sleeping with someone else was the answer.
It took her a week to realize that she had to change her life herself. It wasn’t her husband, or her job, or any sort of external problem, it was all her. Yes, she still had to struggle daily with her PCOS and hormonal imbalance, but she wasn’t going to let it get the best of her. She was going to enjoy life more…to enjoy the time she had playing with her children, and to figure out what she enjoyed…not what her significant others had enjoyed.
She decided to live her life by HER standards, not by what society or her family thought. She would say what she wanted to say, just as she did as a teenager, and take the consequences. She would enjoy her husband again, and re-find her sex drive.
Be who YOU want to be…live how YOU want to live…find youself again.
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