More introspection…

14 Dec
I have a weakness for books.

I know it’s a good weakness. It’s not like I’m toking up every few minutes or drinking myself into an oblivion every night (just every Wednesday), but it’s still a weakness.

Every time I read these books, I think “damn…I KNOW I could do that”. I also realize that almost everyone who’s actually read a book that has more words then the Dick and Jane books believes that they can write. But I have proof…(sort of).

I went to college for English: Journalism/Writing so I actually understand when someone tell me “Your characters are flat”, or, “Why did your plotline veer off course after that mono-syllabic dialogue?” I get the technical terms. The things I have written have been well recieved…of course it’s only by family and friends and they could be lying out of their asses, just like when they tell me, “no, Ran, you don’t look fat at all! Stop it!” Sweeties…I have a mirror and I know how to use it.

So what’s stopping me from writing? I have so many ideas in my head that you couldn’t contain them in that huge Glad bag in the commercial where the bag stops a meteor, so we know that’s now the problem.

The problem is the same reason I went virtually dateless throughout high school. (No, not because I’m fat and ugly, thank you very much).

Rejection. I am scared to DEATH of rejection. I’ve had one rejection already…granted it was so long ago that the paper I submitted it on has yellowed, AND that it was written very half-assedly, but it killed me. In my head it seemed SO good. I took it out and re-read it the other day and resisted the urge to burn it on the spot. It sucked. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the idea is great, but the writing was hurried…there was hardly any description and what was there was rushed in an effort to just kind of skip it and get right to the dialogue (in my opinion: the good stuff).

I swore to myself a few months ago that I would have something written and submitted by the New Year. That is obviously going to happen. I hate being so cliche as to make a New Year’s Resolution, because they never come true! (how many people have SWORN they were going to diet and get more healthy during the New Year? My point exactly). Swearing something at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve is like going to bed with the guy at the bar who buys you a couple of drinks and compliments you endlessly. Some part of you knows that you’re going to end up in a hotel room soaking in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys cut out, but you do it anyway.

I guess that point I’m trying to make to myself is that I need to grow up and get over it already! I’ve learned that life is full of disappointments (remember that little girl inside who always dreamed of making love on a white bearskin rug in front of a fire place) and that it’s just a part of the writing process.

Just like I feel real singers aren’t just “made”, they struggle for it, so do I realize that real writers aren’t successful the first time around, they have to work at it.

Wish me luck!

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