19 Jan

As good as yesterday was (with the exception of the visit FT had with his mother…I’ll go into details in a sec), today is as bad.

My SIL and I took Babygirl and FT to JC Penney’s for clothes (I had a voucher from DCF so I could get him some clothes…yay!) and it was insane. I’ve always heard that there are children with whom, if you turn your backs for two seconds, disappear, but I had never met one. Now, I have. FT can disappear in the blink of an eye and he’s so QUIET that you don’t even know he’s gone! You think I’m exaggerating? Seriously…I had his hand in mine, and I said, “stay right here”, and let go of his hand while I pushed a few jeans out of the way to find the right size for him. As soon as I looked down (literally 10-15 seconds later) he was gone! He hadn’t gone far (that time), but he’s so damn quiet that you can’t hear him! My SIL looked at me today and said, “You know, I’ve never been a fan of leashes…but FT needs SOMETHING!”

As for FT’s visit with his mother, that went BEAUTIFULLY (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?) She got really upset about his hair cut and made sure that it was known. And I quote, “If they were going to cut his hair at least they could have cut it right! I mean look! There’s nothing left! They even cut off his side-burns! All little boys are supposed to have side-burns!”

No, I’m not even close to being funny. Side-burns. (He had so much hair covering his ear I couldn’t SEE it! The top was short, the back and side were long…kind of a reverse mullet, if you will).

She made a lot of comments to him about him being able to go home in a few weeks (the case worker stepped in and told her that was inappropriate to say), and about how he wasn’t the same kid, (“He never screamed like that! This is not my son.”)(for the record, he doesn’t scream here at ALL! But I do know that it’s been documented that he used to scream and hit her).

But the finale came near the end, when one of his older sisters (pre-teen) lightly smacked him on the cheek.

Yup…case closed. They were in a room, being observed by not only hubby and I, but by a therapist…who promptly shot out of her chair, got the social worker and ended the visit. Poor FT cried the whole way home…he just wanted his momma! He can’t understand what’s going on, and I don’t know what to tell him except, “I’m sorry…”

A Speech Therapist is coming to evaluate him in a few weeks and he has a dr. appt (with the doc I LOATHE) at the end of next week.

But what’s really getting me is that there is a very, VERY real possibility that this child will NEVER be going home to his mother (thank god)…and then it becomes, what do we do? Do Scott and I think about taking him permanently? At this point he has so many barriers to being normal (totally not his fault) that it’s extremely exhausting to contemplate the future. But then, do we just dismiss him and foist him off on someone else because he’s not “perfect”?


All I know right now is that I’m taking this day by day, and right now…this day…I’m exhausted…and I have to work tonight until 2 a.m.


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