Wallowing

22 Apr

I was at my grandmother’s wake when I turned to my mom and cousin and said:

“If one more person tells me that she’s in no more pain or that she’s in a better place, I swear I’ll smack them upside the head with a 2×4.”

“But Randi”, my mother said, “she is.”

No shit sherlock, but hearing it really wasn’t helping me. I knew that they all meant well, I mean, what do you say when someone has lost a person who was the center of their world.

Finn, though, gave me the best piece of advice about mourning. “Wallow in it. That way when it’s time to get past it, you can.”

And wallow I did, for over a week. Slowly the fog started to lift and today I found myself laughing at my children. Toad and Babygirl were really excited about putting the trampoline up, and FS, who has never seen a trampoline, got excited just because the other two were excited.

Today I was able to goof around with a friend at work and laugh while I listened to a comedy routine on her IPod. (yeah, we work real hard).

Today I called Scott from work and, after I’d asked about the kids, started to ask if he’d called Gram tonight.

It seems that my heart is slowly healing, but she’s still on my mind – and I hope she always will be. The only way to become immortal is to become a memory that lasts forever.

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