If You Don’t Like Self Pity – Move On

19 May

Alright, admittedly, it’s been a rough week for me. Yesterday we sent FS off to his new Foster Home, and today we committed my grandmother and Scott’s grandfather to the ground in two separate ceremonies.

And JUST to make life better, I started browsing around MySpace.

Now, just for the record, it STARTED because a cousin of mine that came up for the burial said that she was on MySpace, and I wanted to connect with her online, so I spent awhile searching for her.

After I found her and added her, I decided to hop around and see how everybody else on my list was doing. I don’t go around the list very often as my internet is SOOO SLLLOOOWW that it takes forever for some of the pages to load. Then I decided to pop on over to my brother’s site.

For those just catching up: I have 3 half-brothers – two are twins. The twins are 21 and the other is a few years younger. They were raised by the asshat sperm-donor, and I love them to pieces, although we really never hung out together. They, apparently, do not feel the same about me.

After clicking around pictures of my brother and his new tattoo, I decided to see what pictures his girlfriend had up, as she loves to put pictures up on her site. They’ve been dating for quite awhile, so I knew there would be some good ones of my brother on there. Yup, there were – AND there were good pics of the sperm-donor too.

On her site was pictures from her 21st birthday party. The sperm-donor and my step-mom were both there, laughing and having a great time.

I don’t think my father even realizes that I’m over 21.

An uncle and aunt were there – the aunt is someone that I trust and have come to rely on – someone who, basically, I thought was on my side. She never said a word about any of this.

In a picture on my brother’s site, he has a little girl – his girlfriend’s niece – climbing on his back with the title “my favorite girl”. He has his own 3 year old niece that he’s only seen once. And a 6 year old nephew who would LOVE to play football with him.

There was a message on my brother’s site from his GF about her speaking to my step-mom, and how they were all planning to have Easter dinner at my grandparent’s house (father’s side, of course). I have never once been invited to Easter dinner. I have not been invited to a Christmas since I was about 5 or 6.

My mother’s side of the family and I don’t really see eye-to-eye. I’m a bit too opinionated for them, and none of them ever get together for BBQ’s or ANY holidays, even though we’re all mostly within a 20 mile radius.

Scott’s family (mostly) can’t stand me. Again, the opinionated thing. Plus, all of his sisters are much older than he is (he was adopted), and I am the age of the nieces and nephews, not the “children”, so I don’t fit in there.

I don’t fit in anywhere.

I love my children, and my husband, but sometimes I look at us and realize that they would do just fine without me. Scott takes care of so many things – he’s a great father, and a great provider. All he would have to do is learn how to paint toe-nails and he’d be set. What am I necessary for?

Sometimes I feel invisible. I don’t belong on my mother’s side – I don’t belong on my father’s side – I don’t belong with the in-laws.

I don’t belong.

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