*sigh*

17 Oct

Okay, I’m having another one of those days. You know those days – the ones where you wonder why you ever bothered to drag your sorry, fat ass out of bed? I’m having upsetting feelings about the ectopic – I see other people pregnant and wonder if I was being punished, and that’s why the baby was an ectopic. See, when I first discovered I was pregnant, I was just psyched to tell Scott. I knew that THIS time I could tell him the right way (the first time he found out in the E.R., the second time over the phone when I wasn’t sure). A few hours after telling him, I sat back and realized what having another baby would mean for my life.

It would mean that all of the plans that I had made for the future would be shot to hell. It means that I wouldn’t have any time to write, and that things would get much more stressful. For a short time, I actually hoped that things would go wrong with the pregnancy – that it would be another blighted ovum so the loss wouldn’t be my fault.

Then I saw a beautiful sunset and realized that everything would be okay, and that we’d make the best of our financial situation and give this new baby all the love we had.

Then the ectopic.

It took me awhile, but I thought I had worked through it. Then Scott starts talking about wanting to have more children – and how he thought he’d have all of his kids before he turned 40. Of course I did the rational thing. I turned to him, looked right at him and asked, “so, who is your NEXT wife going to be?”

Then he says he didn’t mean it like THAT and that he wants to adopt. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very happy with the two beautiful, healthy children I have. I feel blessed that they are such great kids and that we are able to provide for them, and I don’t want to have to stretch the dollars so thin that we’re eating noodles and eggs for the rest of our lives. (although that’s pretty much all the kids eat ANYWAY).

I want to be able to go to McDonalds every once in awhile – to be able to take the kids on a big trip once a year. I want to be able to spend time with the children I have instead of thinking about getting more.

So right now I’m hurting – but I feel like I’m having more days that I feel like I’m hurting than i do days when I don’t hurt. *sigh* Calgon? Where have you gone?

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