I’m okay – you’re ok – the kids, however…

21 Jan

So our fight? She is over. But this is where I get to admit how horrible of a parent I am. I have two beautiful, adorable children, and what do I do? Have a fight in front of them. Now I’m not one of those parents who believes that no parent should ever fight in front of their children, but I do believe that fighting in front of hte kids shouldn’t get loud and shouldn’t involve swears (much).

So Scott and I start fighting and I fucking lose it right in front of the kids. I didn’t swear, but I got really, REALLY loud. Babygirl kind of sat on the couch watching, not knowing what was going on, but Toad killed me.

Toad stood in the kitchen, near Scott, and never even blinked.

This made me feel worse than anything else. The fact that he wasn’t disturbed by our fighting means that we fight so much in front of them that it’s not a big deal.

I feel like an absolutely horrible parent.

They played with Scott for a bit when I went downstairs to work, and then, feeling horrible and hearing no noise upstairs, I came up and had them come downstairs to play with me for awhile so that I could get my time with them.

Scott told me later that, at one point in time, Toad went to him and asked why he and mommy were fighting. Scott said that it was because Mommy was having a “stressful day”.

Jerk.

I told him after that I wanted him to tell them that it was because daddy made a mistake and mommy was upset about it. I don’t think he ever did, but the peace between us now is still sort of fragile, so I’ll leave it be.

What was very hard was that it took seven hours – SEVEN HOURS, and a lot of tears before Scott realized where I was coming from. One thing that even *I* hadn’t realized until we talked about it was that because my mom was a single mom, I wasn’t sure of the rules in the parenting game. I took the few rules I did know sacredly, and one of those rules was that you back up the other parent when a decision is made. He had violated one of those rules and made me feel worthless.

Once he realized that, he started crying. I can honestly count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen Scott cry.

So we’re okay for now. I know I love him, and I know he loves me. At one point yesterday my mother called. She suggested that I get a divorce, that she get a divorce, and that she move into my house. I laughed and told her that we’d kill each other

“No,” she says, “I’ll move in downstairs!!”

At one point yesterday I actually thought, “you know – that might actually work – there’s a bedroom, a room that would suffice for a living room, a room that could be transformed into a kitchen, and a full bathroom! Wow…”

And then I realized that even if she lived downstairs, we’d still kill each other LOL.

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