Okay, A Bit Too Extreme

30 Jan

I know I’ve been talking for awhile about how I feel as though my sex drive has disappeared. I’ll be honest and say that sometimes I blame Scott! I feel as though he doesn’t try hard enough. Part of me wants him to swing me into an impromptu dance in the kitchen when the kids are asleep. I want him to push me up against a wall, put his lips on mine, and start out by gently ravishing my lips. I want his hands to travel up my body to gently cup and rub my breasts and nipples, and I want to feel his erection pressed hard against me.

I want him to haul me off to bed where he slowly undresses me and kisses every inch of me. I want his lips to travel down my body and to my clit, where I want him to truly know what he’s doing (cunnilingus? Not Scott’s forte). I want his fingers to slip inside of me all warm and hard. I want it gentle and slow at times, yet hard and fast and slick at times as well.

Then I worry that even if he did all that I wanted, I wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm. I’m sure this is TMI, but I haven’t had one without having to use something that requires batteries in longer than I can honestly remember.

Then, this morning, I found an article about a british woman who swears that she’s never going to have sex again. Carrie Jones has said that she has no desire to ever sleep with her husband again. She says that she stays with him because he’s a good husband and a good father, and that when her children are grown, she will leave him and will go off to explore her sexuality. Carrie had 23 lovers before she married, but only one got her to orgasm.

So my take? Miss Carrie wants her husband to step up. She doesn’t want to not have sex with him because she’s not attracted to him, but because she feels that it’s useless to wish that he could be better in bed. With 23 lovers and only 1 orgasm I’m guessing that she feels that sex is useless, and that there is no point in having it anymore when you can’t enjoy it. There are so many obligatory things that you have to do, why do something else obligatory?

While I feel that Carrie’s beliefs and statements are a bit too extreme, I also sort of get where she’s coming from. I worry that I will be like this. I have told Scott I don’t know how many times that I have no desire to have sex anymore. I wind up giving in eventually, usually because I feel bad for him, and what starts off as a blow job winds up as full fledged sex, but part of me does truly feel that sex is too frustrating for me to want it anymore.

And this makes me unbearably sad.

I know women who can have multiple orgasms. I know other women who can have orgasms from penetration alone. I sit back some days and wonder why I can’t be like those women. I wonder why Scott and I are so different in what makes us horny. I enjoy wearing lingerie…he doesn’t really care for it (he doesn’t see the point in it, as you wind up taking it off). I like watching porn every once in awhile…he’s seen enough porn before he met me to not need to see it anymore.

I know that part of the problem is that I don’t feel sexy because of my weight, but, I have to tell you, a BIG part of me feels like it’s partly Scott’s responsibility to make me feel sexy. I want HIM to be the one in control – I want HIM to be saying how irresistable he finds me.

Why does sex suck so much?

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