Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

I fucking hate Valentine’s day. I wish the holiday didn’t exist.

There. I said it.

It’s not quite what you’d expect to come out of the mouth of a married woman, but it’s true. I don’t know WHY I hate Valentine’s day so much. Maybe it’s because I never had anyone to share it with when I was growing up – or maybe it’s because Scott is NOT the most romantic guy. I just seem to get massively depressed during Valentine’s day! I did really well this year, holding the depression off until today (usually I’m depressed 2 weeks before hand), but today, I’m down. I literally feel like I want to crawl in bed and stay there.

Scott called to thank me for the gift basket I had sent to his work – I love sending packages to his work and having the guys laugh at him. The FUN part is that they laugh at him and then say “hey – can I have some of that?” His goodie basket had chips and salsa, nuts, and a bunch of ‘manly’ stuff. So he called to thank me for the basket and I was all bitchy. I told him that it’s not him – that it’s not about money. I told him that I just HATE Valentine’s day and I want it gone. I also told him that I didn’t want anything.

He said that he could do that.

I know, of course, that he won’t, but I feel guilty in not being more appreciative when he gives me something. There are only a few things I want, and I’ve made it clear what I DO want (if he chose to give me a gift) – but every year he gets me things that I don’t want/need, which makes me feel as though he doesn’t know me and isn’t listening to me.

I know – this probably sounds petty and childish and I know that there are women and men alone this holiday that hate it because they wish they had someone, so I apologize for that. But I really, truly, and honestly HATE Valentine’s day.

I overheard them downstairs last night (Scott and the kids) – I wasn’t spying, but Toad was a bit loud and I heard him. He said, “put this inside the bear box dad?” So I’m taking a wild shot in the dark and saying that Scott got me another Vermont Teddy bear – now, I like them all right, but I’ve already got 5. I got two for the first mother’s day after each child was born (those I love because they have a reason), I won two at the call center I worked at, and I got one back after Gram passed (we had given it to her). I don’t need, nor want, another Vermont Teddy Bear, which goes to show how much he truly doesn’t know me.

I would be ECSTATIC for him to buy me lingerie, but he doesn’t like it! Honestly! He doesn’t like lingerie, which makes me feel even more fat and ugly. I tried this morning – I truly did – I put on my favorite pair of dressy jeans and a nice, button-down black shirt that has pink and white stripes shooting through it. I got Babygirl dressed up in her new Valentine’s day dress with heart tights and the new “cloppy” shoes. I sent a little card to school with Toad and have gifts and candy for both of the kids.

So what do I want?

Right now I just want to celebrate with the kids and have it done with. Scott even asked during his phone call what I wanted for dinner! ACK! Usually I do something really nice and make a special dinner for him – this year – nope. I just don’t have it in me right now. I mentioned Subway the other day because I know its his favorite, but in reality? I DON’T CARE!!! I just want to pretend that its another, normal day…or crawl into bed all day.

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