Conversation With My 17 Year Old Self

23 Apr

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back and talk to your younger self? A post on Slacker Mama’s site made me wonder what a conversation between me and a 17 year old “almost-graduate” Randi would be like. Hmmmm….

Me – Hi Randi.

YoungRandi – Ummm…hello. Who’re you?

Me – I’m you. Older, wiser…

YR – Heavier.

Me – Hey now! You try having a couple of kids and see what its like!

YR – I have kids? No.Way. Really?

Me – Shit. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.

YR – How many kids? Four? Five?

Me – Try starting with one and then see if you really want four or five. So, I’m
here to talk to you about your future. I want to answer some questions for you and
give you some advice to make things a bit easier.

YR – Really? Sweet. This is like Back to the Future! Did I do something to really
mess up? Have you come back to try to fix it?

Me – No. You didn’t mess up on anything really, but there are some rough times
ahead, and I wanted to talk to you about them.

YR – I knew it.

Me – You knew what, exactly?

YR – I knew that I wouldn’t lose my virginity until I found someone uglier than I am.

Me – Urm…no…that has nothing to do with my visit.

YR – Oh. But you said I had kids, right – so that means I lost my virginity, right?

Me – Oookaaaayy – back to the subject. When you go to college…

YR – Do I really go to Notre Dame? Really?

Me – No, not really. You chicken out and decide not to go.

YR – What?! Oh my god…my mom is going to kill me!

Me – Relax, you do go to college. Just not Notre Dame.

YR – Where I meet a really handsome guy who sweeps me off my feet and takes my virginity, right?

Me – Well, your virginity was definitely taken, that’s for sure.

YR – But he’s butt ugly?

Me – No, he was cute.

YR – And it was amazing, right? It was in front of a fireplace with a bearskin rug and a dinner complete with champagne…

Me – You can’t handle alcohol, remember?

YR – Oh yeah. But the rest of it is right, right?

Me – Wrong.

YR – What do you mean “wrong”? I do lose my virginity to a handsome man on the most romantic night of my life, right?

Me – If you think of romantic as being rushed in a small dorm room because you’re scared that your boyfriend’s roommate will come home, than yeah! It was romantic as hell!

YR – Oh. But I live happily ever after with the guy, right?

Me – Nope. He dumps you when you are 20 for a 16 year old.

YR – No. No way. There is no way I’d get with a guy who would dump me for a 16 year old.

Me – Whatever you say.

YR – So what do I do now? Did I become a singer, or a lawyer?

Me – Neither.

YR – Huh? Neither?! If I go to college and don’t become a lawyer, what do I do?

Me – You’re a stripper.

YR – WHAT?!

Me – Kidding, kidding! Actually you’re a freelance writer. You make your living selling breast enhancement and weight loss products.

YR – I do know how to BS.

Me – You never lose that skill, that’s for sure, and now you get paid for it!

YR – So who am I married to? Some really rich guy, right?

Me – You’re really obsessed with the relationship thing, aren’t you? I’d forgotten about that.

YR – Well come on, you can see me, you know what I look like.

Me – Flaunt what you’ve got now, because, as you can see, it starts to go south
really, REALLY fast.

YR – Does my husband find me sexy?

Me – Most of the time. Sometimes he just wants to spank you.

YR – Huh?!

Me – Listen, I’ve really got to run. But let me give you one piece of advice that I don’t want you to ever forget.

YR – Okay.

Me – Boys are stupid, men are just as stupid, but there will be a select few who will prove to you that there are truly some good men out there. Trust them and believe them. But never, ever, let them give you directions. Oh, and if you happen to see a Scooter, hop on it and give it a ride. You’ll never regret it.

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