October 1999

15 May

I met Scott in October of 1999.

I moved into his trailer (yes, a trailer) shortly after Christmas of 1999. (I wanted out of my mother’s house and to be my own person again).

In April of 2000, 4 short months after I moved into his trailer and only 6 months after I met Scott, I discovered that I was pregnant.

I love my children, don’t get me wrong. They are the light of my life and I could never be without them.

However.

I find myself wondering lately if part of the problem that I’m having is that we didn’t have enough time together before we became parents. Often I feel like I’m a parent first and a wife second. And then there’s the fact that I basically fell into Scott’s lap like an eager puppy – he didn’t have to work to win me at all.

I want to be wooed.

I want Scott to romance me the way that I have always dreamed of being romanced.

I want us to have some time alone, together, where he opens the doors for me and dances slow with me in the moonlight.

I want him to be possessive of me because he finds me so attractive that he worries that others will try to poach on his “woman”.

I want him to push me up against a wall and kiss me until I am dizzy.

I want him to make me believe that I am everything that he has ever wanted in his life and that he would never be the same were I not here.

But I am a mom.

And a wife.

And my “wants” are not what is important in this house.

When there are dinners to make, work to be done, and animals to tend to, we do not have time to indulge in my childish fantasies.

But it is so hard to not want.

Edited – I read over this and figured I should give a quick background as to why I think I’m feeling this way today…our Anniversary is May 25th – we will have been married 6 years. We usually go away for a weekend, but this time we are trying to conserve money a bit. Instead, we decided to have my mother watch the rugrats for an evening so that we can have some time alone together.

During this time, we will drive 2 hrs away in order to buy fireworks for July. We’ve been doing this for three years now and normally we pick them up kind of as an afterthought when we drive back from Mass. This year, however, the entire day is going to revolve around picking up fireworks.

Scott seems more excited about getting fireworks than about spending an evening alone with me (at least to my eyes).

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