"Last week was good, right?!"

24 Jun
That is what Scott said to me this afternoon on the phone. He’s talking, of course, about our commitment to try to keep our relationship strong. I won’t lie – not here – something still feels a bit…off. It’s less than it was before, but it is still there, almost like a little kid going “na na na na na na” behind my back. I wonder, during my few minutes of relaxation here and there where I’m not doing anything else, if all relationships end due to a large problem, or if some of them just happen to fizzle out.

I can tell you one problem I’m having right here – I feel fat and ugly. Yes, I know all women go through the fat and ugly stage every once in awhile, but this one has been going on for two weeks. Yes, I can time it – its when we went shopping for new clothes. I think what annoys me the most is that it has been going on for so long, and for someone who wants to be able to control everything I can, the fact that I can’t control how I feel about my own skin truly and utterly annoys me. I read plenty of blogs where the women are not thin, and some of them even have more skin than I do, and they say how happy they are and how they feel sexy and beautiful and do not want to change.

And I do not believe them.

I don’t see how I can be happy the size that I am, with the way that I look. I don’t see, honestly, how ANYONE could be sexually attracted to me.

This, I’m sure, is impacting our relationship a bit (but its not the core problem). I don’t feel as though Scott is attracted to me…or, rather, I don’t understand how he can be attracted to me, and he doesn’t understand why I’m not happy with the body I have. He believes that I will be unhappy with my body no matter what size or shape I am.

*sigh*

Sometimes being a woman is a total pain in the ass.

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