Torturing Myself

1 Jul
Why do I do this to myself? It’s like I wait until I have tons and TONS of work to do before I finally…well…start it. Now, to be fair, I had a LOT going on this weekend, and there was definitely no way I could focus when the new game was sitting there and there were fireworks to be had and yard sales to inhabit, right?

Thanks for agreeing. I knew you’d understand.

So today I have buried myself in work because, well, I’m an idiot. I have a huge project due before noon, and another due after lunch, and dear GOD lets not talk about the project that I haven’t even begun yet am already late on.

And yet, I get this from Scott last night:

“Hey – don’t make any plans tomorrow.”

*tapping toes and nodding head to the music in her incredibly loud headphones*

Scott claps his hands – “HEY!”

“What?!” I asked as I came out of my work and music induced fog.

“Don’t make any plans tomorrow.”

“Umm…you mean like the piles and piles of work I’ve been putting off because I swear that I work better under pressure and that have to get done now?”

“Yeah – don’t make any plans.”

“Okay. Why not?”

“We’re going somewhere. I’ll be home at noon.”

Now, unlike some people, I can put A and B together to make 15, and I knew that he had made plans to leave work and to take me 45 minutes away to see Wanted. On the very day that he knew I had piles and piles of work and that I was going slightly insane from trying to haul ass.

“Oh honey, I really, REALLY appreciate the offer, but I am buried in work…as I told you earlier…so I’m sorry, but I can’t go.”

“But you are going. I’ll be home at noon.”

“Ummm hon, I have a zillion and three things to do on this project. Its due tomorrow. I can’t spare the time to go down. Again, I really appreciate you going to the effort, but its juts not possible.”

“Okay,” he replied, “but I’ll be home and noon, and we’re going. I know you really want to see it.”

“It’s a movie,” I said, “this weekend was more about you trying to be a little romantic than it was about the movie. Yes, I really really wanna see it, but I’m an adult and know that I won’t die if I don’t see the movie. So thank you, but I just can’t.”

“Oh. Okay.”

I put my headphones back on and resumed working. Ten minutes later I get a tap on the shoulder and my headphones are pulled off.

“Remember, we’re going out tomorrow, so make sure you get everything done by noon.”

And then I killed him.

Yes, I do appreciate his offer, and if I weren’t piled with work, I’d definitely take him up on it, but I am, and the man has once more demonstrated his issue – he doesn’t LISTEN.

We got into it AGAIN last night before this discussion (seriously, its been 24 hours – WTF?!)

I looked at him and told him that last week I had been doing figuring in my head to see if I could afford to live on my own with the kids (which prompted a “the kids would be with YOU?!” argument, but let’s not go there). I told him that you can’t just say, “we’re not going to fight anymore” and have those words magically work. He was extremely upset that I had gotten to that point and wanted to know why I hadn’t told him before. Umm, hello, we were FIGHTING and I can only imagine what reaction that would’ve brought out of him, can’t you?

He said I blame him for things.

I said he blames me for things

We’re both right. I knew, however, that there was SOMETHING down there bothering him that he didn’t get out. He finally did last night.

He feels inferior to me.

Excuse me, but this came out of NOWHERE!

He says that he thinks the reason that our fights blow up so quickly is because he feels that he’s intellectually inferior to me, and that is why he gets so angry so damn quickly.

I have no idea, honestly, where this came from, as I’ve never once treated him as an inferior – and even he agrees that I’ve done nothing to make him feel this way.

I assured him that I never thought of him as inferior, in any way, and that I have always used him as an example as to how college is not everything (ie, he’s more intelligent than half the people I knew in college without having any college degree).

We got into talking about his feeling inferior is kind of similar to how I feel fat and ugly a lot of the time, and therefore inferior to him in a whole different way. He said that he didn’t get it – and that he thought once he told me once that he didn’t think I was fat or ugly, that would be the end of it.

I informed him that all women have those days when they feel fat and ugly, even if they’re Cindy Crawford or Angelina Jolie.

He seemed geniunly shocked.

“So this is something that will keep popping up?”

“Yes. Especially when we women go shopping for new clothes.”

“Okay. Gotcha.”

So where does that leave us? Who knows. I’ve given up trying to figure it out. I threw out couple’s therapy last night and it was taken…well…badly. He has agreed, however, that if I want it, he will go. I don’t know if I should push it right now or not. A lot of things came out last night (another reason that I’m behind in work), and I think it was another step in the right direction.


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