Remembering

9 Jul
I woke up this morning a bit disoriented. In my dream, it had been July of 2007, and I had just lost my baby. In reality, however, it is July of 2008, and I’m definitely not pregnant. I can’t get pregnant anymore, and yet, for some reason today, I seem to be mourning the loss very strongly.

Maybe my hormones are acting up, maybe its seeing people around me get pregnant/give birth, I don’t know. I just know, however, that for some reason this morning, I feel the loss of the baby very deeply. I want to call the doctors office and ask questions. I vaguely remember them telling me that the baby would have been viable, had it not been in the tube, but I want to have that re-confirmed. I want to know if it was a boy or a girl, if they can tell that. I know that they did a tissue analysis on it (that sounds so…cold, doesn’t it?) so they should have more information than I know.

Why, today, am I mourning the baby? There has to be a reason that it suddenly popped into my mind and is making me desperately sad, right?

And today, more than ever, I wish my gram were still here. I can see her hugging me and talking with me about it, before steering my thoughts into a new direction, so that the pain weren’t so bad.

I can’t seem to stop myself from crying today.

I want my baby back.
I want my grandmother back.

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