Making a Decision

5 Mar

I think that this is really the first time I’ve put a decision out to the internet and have watched the chaos that has ensued both in me and online.

As most anyone who reads this site knows, I’ve been involved in a study with Northwestern University. I flew out there for three days last month and was supposed to fly out again once a month for six months.

A few nights ago I had a horrible nightmare about flying, then I started wondering if it was a premonition, (ha) or if something else was going on.

I put myself out there to the internet. I Twittered, I Facebook’ed, I mentioned it here on my blog – I even emailed my boss about the situation to get her opinion.

EVERYONE told me that I was just being ridiculous and to relax.

So I said I’d go on with it. I talked with the coordinator and said that “sure, I’ll fly out again – no problem. I’ll be there on Thursday night.”

All day yesterday I kept thinking about my decision. All day I thought about how the majority of people I consulted were all “yeah, go – you’ll be FINE.” Only a select few told me to do what I felt was right for me.

Last night I IM’d Scott again (it’s what old married couples do, ya know – we no longer have sex, just IM each other half the night from different rooms of the house) and told him that I didn’t want to go. I told him that the reason that I felt I HAD to go was because I’d be letting everyone down – I’d be letting Northwestern down, I’d be letting my mother down, and I’d be letting all those people online who told me to stop being ridiculous down.

“But what do YOU want to do hon” he asked.

The answer was simple and clear. I don’t want to go.

I left a message for the coordinator this morning, apologized profusely, and said that I wouldn’t be going. I learned, however, a few valuable lessons.

1 – I can fly again if I need to. If our family wants to go on a vacation, I can absolutely get on that plane now. I’m still scared shitless, but I know that I can get on the plane if we’re headed somewhere that’s beneficial for the family.

2 – I need to stop trying to make everyone ELSE happy and start making ME happy. I feel like I try to make the world happy sometimes, when really the only people who I need to focus on making happy are me, my husband, and my children – the four people that I often set aside in the “make people happy” order of things.

3 – I don’t need to be special. All my life I felt like I needed to accomplish something so that I’d be remembered when I die – call it an only child thing (No, I’m NOT Nadya Suleman). I had the opportunity to be a part of something and, while my name may not be included in the study (names never are), I felt as though it were a huge opportunity to do something special.

I don’t need special anymore. I’m more than happy living my quiet life with my family and enjoying each day as it comes.


2 Responses to “Making a Decision”

  1. Sherry March 5, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

    I’m glad you listened to yourself and did what felt right. 🙂

  2. Jenera March 5, 2009 at 10:45 pm #

    Good for you! Maybe you would have made it alive and well. But would the ensuing panic attack and stress you put on yourself would have not been worth it.


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