Self-Pitying

18 Aug

I’ve been accused lately of being self-pitying. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m someone who can easily pity herself – but the pity doesn’t last long, because right after the pity sets in, the guilt comes. The guilt about feeling self-pity because I know that I’ve got a good life. I’ve got a husband who loves me and two beautiful children who are the light of my lives.

And then, on the heels of guilt, comes embarrassment – as in “how dare you feel even an inch of pity? You horrible person, you. You should be ashamed.”

Directly after the embarrassment comes resign. And after that comes peace.

This all happens within a very short time frame – usually less than an hour, and sometimes less than a half an hour!

Which means that while I was pitying myself for a bit over the whole birthday debacle, it wasn’t for long.

Now I just feel anger, disappointment, and resignment. I’m angry at certain people for making the choices that they made. I’m disappointed that my friends were too busy or otherwise unable to attend. And I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t change the way the day happened.

But I can change the way I go forward.

I’ve made some decisions about certain members of my family and some of my friends. I’ve decided to focus on what is important to me – my husband and my children – and those who are closest to me.

I feel very sad that I feel like I’ve had to make this decision, but it feels like the only option available to me. I haven’t heard much from those whom I am making decisions about. Some believe I’m going through “one of her moods”, and others think I’m reading too much into it.

But I know what is important to me, and I know how I feel. I know that a simple little birthday party may not mean much to many, but to me it meant a great deal. I’m very happy that Scott took the time and made the effort to put it together, and yet I’m sad that it took the party to help me to see what was important to me.

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3 Responses to “Self-Pitying”

  1. Finn August 18, 2009 at 3:07 pm #

    I’m sorry you got disappointed. I know how that feels.

    Do you happen to know if Scott made the plans really close to your birthday? Because if that was the case it could explain why some people were unable to attend. It may not have anything to do with you.

    Anyway, you just need to surround yourself with those that you know for sure love you and will always be there for you. The rest of ’em? Let them go. And remember that it’s about them, not you.

  2. sherry August 18, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    Oh good lord. I can’t believe anyone would rag on you for self-pity. Whether it lasted a short time or you still felt sad about it, you’re allowed!

    Anytime anyone says stuff like that (oh wah, you’re so hard done by, etc) I always think of an episode of Ally McBeal. Elaine asked Ally, “Why do you always act like your problems are so much bigger than anyone else’s problems?” and Ally said, “Because they’re mine.”

    I mean really, just because people are going through worse things doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel something.

    🙂

  3. chuck August 18, 2009 at 8:45 pm #

    make me puke!
    As someone who knows you, let me just say that you are known less for your self pity and more for your unending, self-centered melodrama! Most of the time Katie catches me and asked me to be quiet before I get to the computer or the phone. If you could step outside of your head for a moment you would realize everyone has a life and you are not the center of it. I’ve tried several times to get K to stop talking to you as you are just ridiculous! Even your husband stated that you were being an asshole about this birthday thing. My statement to you. Fuckoff!

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