Hormones Suck Ass

26 Aug

So here’s the annoying thing about PCOS: your hormones are totally fucked up. It’s why I was able to get pregnant twice on birth control, and why I occasionally get into a depressed state.

Right now? Depression is trying to kick my ass.

I feel down – tired – ready to just curl up in bed and watch really bad television shows all day. Nothing seems exciting or enjoyable right now, and laughing seems like a foreign and strange concept.

There is a good side: at least we know what the problem is. A number of years ago I would start flipping out whenever I got depressed because it didn’t make sense that I was depressed. I had a great family, a wonderful husband, and a nice house – why was I depressed? Then we learned about PCOS and about how the hormones can be really whacked. And now it’s actually fairly easy for me to tell when my hormones are fucked up.

Right now? They’re fucked up. I’m pretty sure that it’s because I haven’t had a period in months. Most women would rejoice over this, but they don’t generally realize that a period is a GOOD thing – it allows your body to be in balance. If I haven’t had a period in a long amount of time, I usually wind up getting depressed.

Scott was super sweet last night. He knows now that its nothing that he’s doing, and he knows that I’m fighting it with all that I’ve got in me. If I weren’t I really would be holed up in our bedroom watching Jerry Springer, but instead I’m up and about, doing the daily routine and getting things done. Usually, if I push through enough, I come out on the other side and get through the rough patch.

This time I’m not only dealing with the stress of refinancing the house (ouch! Finger cramp!), I’m dealing with the stress of relationships that have fallen apart. Due to the disaster that happened at my birthday, my relationships with my mother and with one of my best friend look to be in the crapper.

My mother? We’re not talking. I’ve made my stance and she’s yet to reply to it, probably for various reasons. I am usually the type of person who can see where both sides of the argument are coming from, but I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to see where she’s coming from, because I’ve already tried. I’ve tried to figure out what type of explanation would make it “okay” with me for her to have intentionally missed my birthday party. Most of the good ones that I would be totally fine with have to do with death and dismemberment. Leaving the state to go to a friend’s birthday party (and not even a close friend) didn’t make the list.

My best friend? Apparently we’re not talking either. We’ve sent emails back and forth, explaining how we feel and trying to see the other persons side of the story. Unlike my mother, my friend K can look at things from someone else’s point of view – a trait about her that I always enjoyed. During the emails things were said that made me look hard and deep into who I am and who she is. I love my friend and I miss her dearly, but the fact that her significant other said such cruel and unwarranted things to me, and the fact that she is standing behind him, is something that I don’t know if I can get over.

I understand supporting/defending your significant other, but as I said to her in an email, Scott has never once done anything that cruel or mean to any of my friends, and if he had I would have apologized on his behalf and would have been extremely pissed off at him. My friend, however, doesn’t feel the same way. Or at least I’m assuming that she doesn’t feel the same way as she has apparently decided not to email me back.

So I’m dealing with depression and losing two people who were very close to me. And do you know, I’m actually more okay with the fighting going on than I am with the depression. With the arguments, I know who is in the right. I know this time that I am right about my mother bailing on me and that it was wrong, and I know that I am right about not standing there meekly letting K’s significant other bash me down and say lies about me. For most of my life I’ve always been the one who goes crawling back to people apologizing, generally because I am a hot-headed person and used to say things before I thought about saying them.

Now, though, I’ve learned to curb my tongue (for the most part – Scott still gets a bit of a lashing occasionally, but he gives it right back when I deserve it), and I know how to stand up for myself. I was not right to be treated the way that I was treated and I’m not going to go crawling back to anybody.

As with the depression, I’m going to push through this and I know that I’ll come out the other side stronger and hopefully happier.

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One Response to “Hormones Suck Ass”

  1. Jenera August 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm #

    ::Hugs:: I know where you’re coming from on the depression thing. I know how hard it is to fight through it when you just don’t really want to.

    As far as the relationships, that sucks. I’m going through a rough patch with my mom but I’m trying to just deal with because it’s something she can’t (or won’t) change. Something that is only my issue. Doesn’t make it easier though.

    With your friend, I don’t have any suggestions. I’ve stood behind Daniel when he’s gone after someone-even my own family-but he’s never been cruel or malicious. It was always warranted. Just as he stood behind me when I took on some of his family. But I would not stand by and let someone rip a friend of mine to shreds if it was blatantly unwarranted. In my opinion, your friendship may never survive. But is that a bad thing? No, because you’ve learned so much about yourself and people. As long as something is learned, it’s not a waste.

    ::hugs::

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