Lost the War

16 Sep

For a bit over a month, now, I’ve been fighting depression. I hadn’t really had to fight it in years, but I thought that I could beat it. I’ve beaten it before, after all, and since it’s mainly a hormonal thing with me, I thought that I could beat it again.

There was a problem with that theory. The first part of the problem was that Scott, who is usually my rock in times like this, is going through his own tough times, which meant that I didn’t have him to support me. And then I’d also lost one of my best-friends, and had stopped really talking with my mother, so I felt extremely alone, which got magnified about 100 fold thanks to the depression.

This round I found myself having symptoms I’ve never had before. I constantly find that my jaw is clenched up, and my shoulders are all hunched and tense. My stomach, though, has been the big problem. I’ve been battling nausea and other intestinal issues for weeks. Instead of wanting to sleep all the time, which is what happened last time, this time around I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. I tossed and turned and slept horribly.

Two nights ago, however, things got really bad, and I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep total. That night I cried. That I night I said some really stupid things. I woke Scott up and he got me through the night and made me promise that I would seek the doctor’s help in the morning.

I waited hours before calling. I didn’t want to admit defeat. But I called. And I got in to see my doctor in the afternoon.

She told me that I wasn’t weak, and that it wasn’t my fault. She ticked off a list of symptoms and asked if I felt certain ways.

“Do you feel tired?”

Yes.

“Are you unable to enjoy some of your favorite things anymore?”

Yes.

“Do you feel alone?”

God yes.

“Do you feel guilty and responsible for things that aren’t your fault?”

Yes.

She put me on two medications. One, Zoloft, for the depression, and then a sedative to help me to get to sleep for awhile so that I can catch up on my zzz’s. Last night the zoloft made me sick, so I called and had them switch me back to Wellbutrin, which is something I used successfully years ago when I had the same problem.

That out of everything is what’s killing me. Just when I think I have beaten this problem – when I’ve beaten it back and have won, it comes back and thoroughly kicks my ass.

I lost.

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6 Responses to “Lost the War”

  1. Tracey September 16, 2009 at 5:38 pm #

    *hugs*

    Sorry.

  2. Winnie September 16, 2009 at 6:35 pm #

    You haven’t lost! Losing would be succumbing to it. You just needed a bigger weapon to beat it down.

  3. D September 16, 2009 at 9:05 pm #

    I can relate to your symptoms. I have battled forms of depression on/off for years. This last year I had delt with many new issues from my stressful life. My stomach was the worst and that was a new one for me. I have not taken anything….yet but not saying I won’t. I usually can handle my sypmptoms of depression and am very aware of myself with that. However, I have done medication a few times and I think you did what was best.

  4. Jenera September 16, 2009 at 10:25 pm #

    Oh dear ::hugs:: I’ve lived with depression for about 12 years. And I’ve been medicated several times over the course of that 12 years. And I hated every time I was. But it was what I NEEDED at that point. It’s not a failure that you asked for help. As my hubby says, it’s doing the right thing for yourself and your family. Failing would be curling up in a ball and refusing help ‘just because’. Calling a doctor and getting medicine will benefit you and your family. And it will probably not be forever. We all have hard times. Right now is yours.

    ::Hugs::

  5. sherry September 17, 2009 at 3:21 am #

    Losing would be giving in and not doing anything to fix it. You WON because you got help for it before it got worse. You won because you care enough about your family and yourself to get better.

    I know this has almost become a cliche now but if you had a physical disease you’d get medication to treat it and you would never look at it as losing. This is a disease too, and you should think of yourself as strong and amazing for taking this step.

    Because you ARE strong and amazing.

  6. Finn September 17, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

    No, you didn’t lose. You won. Because you didn’t let it get you.

    I have reconciled myself to the fact that I will be popping a pill every night for the rest of my life. I’d much rather do that then suffer. You may find you have to do the same.

    Good luck. xo

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