Stronger

18 Sep

I’m feeling a bit stronger today. The three solid nights sleep has helped (I think Scott is loving the fact that I can pop a pill and be out all night – gives him a chance to control the remote), and I think the meds are slowly starting to work. Fortunately Wellbutrin XL is known to work relatively quickly on most people, simply because (or so research says) it works differently then classic anti-depressants, like the Zoloft she originally had me on.

I’m not saying that I’m smiling and ready to go jog a marathon. But I am saying that I’m feeling a bit stronger today. It was easier to get out of bed. It was easier to get the kids ready for school, and to smile and wave when, for the first time, Babygirl walked into the school by herself. It was easier to fold the laundry as I caught up on last night’s Survivor (BTW, the guy who’s just trying to “ruin” everything? HILARIOUS! He’s definitely going to make the show worth watching), and it’s easier to get started on my work right now.

I’m not “fine” yet. Not even close. But I am feeling stronger and much more clear-headed.

Throughout this week I’ve apologized to Scott about a zillion and three times. I keep telling him how sorry I am that I’m putting him through this, and how he shouldn’t have to deal with it. Every time he hugs me and tells me that I don’t have to apologize, and that I’m not in control of how the chemicals in my body work.

And how he’s with me for better or for worse.

In this day and age when more people get divorced than stay married, I know that, had I been with anyone else, anyone with less patience and faith in me, I would have probably been divorced right now. Thank you, Scott, for always believing in me and for being there for me. I love you.

—————

I want to tell you about one of the interesting things that happened when I went to see the doctor. She’s a new PA in the building and is the woman Scott saw the other day. She’s young and not originally from around here. She listened to me, reassured me, talked about counseling (to which I informed her that I knew what the problems were and that I really didn’t need counseling, as I’ve found no counselor that was better than a long talk with a best friend), and then wrote my prescriptions out.

At the very end she took a deep breath, turned to me, and said, “I’d like to pray with you. Is that okay?”

I’m not a religious person by nature. I was baptized a Protestant and while I have no problem with most people’s belief systems, I’m not sure what I, personally, believe. I realized that it was important for her to do this, so I agreed half-heartedly.

She was very, very sweet. She took my hand and asked that I have the support that I need to get through this difficult time in my life, and that I know that there is always help out there. It wasn’t “mumbo-jumbo”, or looking to the Lord to cure all things, it was her way of telling me that I’m not alone, no matter what I believe.

I feel like, during the course of the last month, when this depression started to spread its roots, dozens of threads were snipped from the fabric of my life. Some were snipped intentionally, others were snipped through the course of life. I feel as though now I’m starting to rethread the fabric, starting with my husband, and with my children, and working outwards from there.

I know that things will get better. I think that maybe now I have the strength to wait for the sun.

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2 Responses to “Stronger”

  1. Finn September 18, 2009 at 4:06 pm #

    Glad you’re feeling stronger. It will get better every day.

    Interesting about the PA. I’m not religous either, but I will take all the good vibes I can get so I’d have let her pray with me too!

  2. Jenera September 18, 2009 at 5:38 pm #

    ::hugs:: some good sleep can cure a lot of things. And I’m so glad that you have such a supportive husband!

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