Family Feud

24 Oct

I don’t know if it’s that time of the year, or if we’re just unlucky, but it seems to be that time of year for some family squabbling.

First there was the situation going on with my parents. Oh joy. Oh bliss. Oh not fun. It caused me to deal with a huge amount of anxiety, but hey, at least I got tons of fun meds out of the situation.

Now Scott and his family are fighting.

It’s a long story, but here’s the Cliffs Notes version:

Since Scott’s mother passed away the family hasn’t really included Scott in many of the things that they do. Three years ago we had Christmas here because our house is fairly large and worked for the occasion – everyone said they enjoyed it and we planned on doing it again. Two years ago the sister who does most of the planning and her son both had elective surgery, and so she decided that we should hold off Christmas for that year because she and her son wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. Last year she decided to hold it at her son’s house (which makes no sense to Scott), and we would have gone, but she kept going back and forth about if/when they were going to have it because of her daughter-in-law’s pregnancy.

See, to us, when you plan a family get together, it should be about the family, not about one specific person. If someone in the family had fallen extremely ill, we would both have definitely understood and agreed about Christmas being postponed or “possibly” postponed. But it didn’t make sense to us to go back and forth about it for a pregnancy. Yes, pregnancy is a magical thing, and we love our great-nieces and nephews, but postponing things for the pregnancy seemed like a very strange thing.

So now fast forward to this Christmas – we were informed that it would once again be at the nieces and nephews house (it WAS held last year, but we did not attend because it was decided so last minute) and Scott decided that he didn’t like the idea of having it there again. He thinks that it should be at one of his sisters houses or at our house, so he made sure his sister knew how he felt about the situation.

And she made sure she got very upset by it.

She misread some of the things he said (for instance she assumed that because he didn’t like the idea of the party being at the nephew’s house, he somehow thought that the nephew and his wife were horrible parents – something that was NEVER said), and responded with a bit of a hostile tone, so he responded with a hostile tone as well. And now the two of them are in a full-blown war.

And I feel like it’s my fault.

I wasn’t responsible for the situation, nor have I done anything but listen to Scott and try to diffuse the situation a bit, but I know that some of the situation is exacerbated because his family really doesn’t care for me.

This is something that I’ve tried to tell Scott for ten years. Yes, TEN YEARS – as long as we’ve been together. He wanted to think the best of his family (of course, who wouldn’t?) and thought that I was crazy. His sister, however, actually made a comment about how the family feels about me in the emails that were exchanged. Basically she said that my “sarcastic nature” offends people in the family.

But here’s the thing – when I first met his family, I was 20 years old. What 20 year old isn’t sarcastic? And I was nervous and desperately wanted his family to like me. Was I a little sarcastic? Probably, but that’s my nature, especially when I’m really nervous, as I was then.

Then, as time went on and I realized that they weren’t liking me, I tried to act more like them around them – smiling and being as sweet as I possibly could.

That? Didn’t work.

So for the last few years, any time there is a family get together, I basically do everything I can to remain unobtrusive. I sit in a corner or talk to one of two people in the family. And yet apparently they still dislike me.

I can understand not really wanting to try to get to know someone who just starts dating someone else in the family, especially when they have the kind of track record with girls that Scott had. But we’ve been together for 10 years. TEN. And we have two children. A mortgage. A happy marriage (most of the time) – it seems pretty clear that I’m not going anywhere. And yet apparently they still have issues with me.

The whole thing makes me feel like the only reason his family is as upset about him now is because of me, which leaves me feeling extremely insecure.

Guess I need those pills the doc prescribed, huh?


2 Responses to “Family Feud”

  1. Jenera October 24, 2009 at 3:44 pm #

    95% of Daniel’s family does not like me. The ones that do are the ones that matter most-like his best friend and cousin, his aunt, and his dad. The rest can take a flying leap in his opinion. Holidays are meant for family and by that I mean immediate family. this year we will not be going to my family’s place or his because we are spending it with our kids.

    As long as Scott doesn’t try to pit you against them, or leaves you out to the side, then screw them. They are missing out, it sounds like you aren’t missing much.

  2. Finn October 26, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

    I say screw ’em too. If they don’t like you, that’s their problem. It has nothing to do with you.

    Make your own holiday and ignore the bullshit. Life’s too short.

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