Down Day

30 Dec

I guess I felt this coming on last night, when I retreated to the bathroom for an hour and indulging in a very long bubble bath.

I’m definitely down today. I guess it’s a good thing, then, that Toad is heading to a friend’s house and Babygirl is having two of her friends come over here. At least they can keep each other entertained while I try to get some work done.

I can’t help but feel lonely. And it’s probably my own fault – or at least part of it is. Scott’s been working so far this week (he has tomorrow off) and on the computer whenever he’s home, so I feel, well, lonely. I was looking forward to spending the New Years with my best friend, but circumstances beyond her control (and the damn weather) has she and her husband unable to visit. I’m GLAD they’re not visiting because I’d be worried about them driving home in a snowstorm, and I’m glad they’re safe and sound at home, but the selfish part of me is very sad that she can’t come.

I feel as though I’m one of those people who just can’t get along with anybody. Or maybe that’s not an apt description – I can get along FINE with almost anybody, but for some reason very few people actually want to get close to me. I’ve got my best friend D and my sister-in-law T and Scott and that’s it.

I always wanted to be a part of a big family. I guess I thought that if you were a part of a big family you would feel as though you belonged somewhere. I married into a big family who, I now discover, doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.

I have three step-brothers who are younger than me. One is out of the state, and two are around here. I thought I was getting a little bit closer to one of the ones who lived around here, and sent him a small Christmas gift, but now he’s deleted my name from his Facebook and I don’t know why.  And the other brother, I guess, just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me either.

I know I shouldn’t think about the things that I don’t have, and I do try to focus on what I do have, but I guess today is just one of those days when I feel as though the entire universe enjoys reminding me that I’m obviously not a good person.


One Response to “Down Day”

  1. Jenera December 30, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

    Loneliness is a funny thing. I’ve been in your spot but I’ve come to the point where I don’t care about anyone else. I know I’m pretty cool. I don’t fit in anywhere with my family at all and my relationship with my mom and brother is weird to say the least. I am closer to Daniel’s cousin Mandy (it helps she’s married to Daniel’s best friend) and it works out fine. We don’t spend heaps of time together but maybe once a week we get together but she’s always there if I need her. I have Amy too and we’re pretty close. And that’s it. I do have online buddies that I consider close friends too.

    I think once I became comfortable with myself then I was okay with being friend-less, or close to it. But I’m sure that doesn’t really help you right now. Just know we all go through it.


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