The Phone

19 Mar

I dislike answering the phone now. I do everything I can to avoid answering it. Scott has repeatedly grouched at me to “just get the phone”, but I shy away from it and do everything I can to not have to speak with someone on the other end. It’s not that I’m avoiding telemarketers (that would be easier), or that I’m in the witness protection program.

I just don’t want to answer the phone.

Why would I want to answer the phone when no one calls?

Once again, I’m in the depths of despair. Only this time it’s worse, because this time I’m MEDICATED, and I’m still feeling as though my presence on this earth isn’t necessary. Instead of just being depressed and thinking as though I’m not needed, I actually have proof that me not being here would not be a horrible thing, save for my children and my husband.

And this time I’m so down that I really don’t care if people get upset with what I saw on my blog. This is my blog. No one is reading right now anyway. But it was the comments that bothered the people that my posts upset, so I’ll shut off comments on this post.

I’ve had it out again with a very close family member. They and I discussed how we felt, and both felt as though the other wasn’t seeing each other’s side of the story. Do I feel like something got solved? No. I feel like it is going to be a very long process and I’m not sure what will happen when we come out on the other side.

Had it out with another friend today who called me an “immature brat” because I didn’t agree with their point of view. I never said anything negative, listened to their side and then simply asked questions. Then said that I disagreed and pointed out why I disagreed. This friend turned around and accused me of shitting on their belief system and the entire culture, which is NOT what I did AT ALL. Because of this one argument, after three years of constant communication and a lifetime of friendship, the friend has deleted me out of their lives. Literally.

And another friend won’t talk to me. This friend and I have been on the outs for about seven months. I emailed this friend a few weeks ago to once again try to patch up our relationship a bit, and the friend has not emailed me back. Yet the same friend emails my husband on a semi-regular basis. Yet they won’t email me back. Proving how worthless I obviously am.

I do have siblings. Half siblings and step-siblings. The half-siblings wouldn’t care if I was here or not – they don’t have anything to do with our lives even though I’d very much like us all to be involved with each other. The step-siblings have their own lives and while I touch base with one of them via chat, none of the rest of them talk to me. And my in-law siblings, well, they don’t want anything to do with me either, for various reasons.

I can think of three friends that I have right now. One is ten hours away in Maine, and I never get to see her or talk to her. I miss her like crazy, but I know that she’s very busy where she is and I don’t expect her to have much time for me. I know she loves me as much as I love her, but our paths have taken different roads right now.

I have another friend who is three hours away. She has tons of friends and tons of things to do. She’s got a busy life and is constantly running here or running there. She’s chatted with me a few times, trying to cheer me up, but she admits that she doesn’t know how. She talked about visiting but at this point I feel like it’s a pity visit.

And I have a third friend who is in the area. She’s been unavailable recently because of problems she’s got going in her own life, and we have a strange relationship. We talk about things, but she’s been pulling away lately, likely due to her situations. I try to help as much as she’ll let me (she’s stubborn) but she has been pulling away and leaving me to feel utterly alone.

That’s exactly how I feel. Alone.

I wonder who would miss me if I weren’t here. I actually fantasize about who would show up at my funeral. Would I have a packed house, or, more than likely, would I have a handful of people there.

I’m becoming a hermit. I rarely leave the house. I bring the kids to school, pick them up, go grocery shopping, take them to mcdonalds when we go grocery shopping, and that’s about it. The kids play outside here at the house, and when the weather gets a bit better I’ll take them to the park every once in awhile, or to the pool. But the only time I go anywhere is for them, like the birthday party we went to last weekend. And even then I’m shoving a number of these types of outings on Scott, which, I know, isn’t fair to him.

Remember when you were in high school and everyone talked about what they were going to do when they graduated? Some people had huge dreams and they headed off to here or there, and a few stayed behind. Of my friends, I was one of the few who stayed behind. I stay here because my children have a chance at a great education here. My husband has a job (one that’s fairly stable), and because it is a gorgeous place to live. I stay because I don’t like change, and really, why would we move when we both have jobs and our children have a great school?

But staying behind makes you the odd-man-out. There are some who still live in this area, and who, from what I’ve read, get together fairly frequently and hang out. I’ve seen pictures of the fun times that they have together and see them laughing and I remember when, so many years ago, I would have seen pictures of me like that. But that doesn’t happen anymore. We rarely hang out with other people, and we never go out anywhere. I missed out on that fun time when you could legally drink and when you went out from bar to bar in order to experience life because I was pregnant with Toad. Don’t get me wrong, I’d NEVER trade either of my children for missed experiences, but now that they’re older and can stay with a babysitter, I think about how I’d like to go out and experience some of the things that I never got to do.

But who would I do it with? Who would go out with me and Scott (and that’s IF I could ever drag his ass out – he experienced the drinking years and he’s all done with them). Who could I call on to say “hey, let’s go for a long walk today somewhere”, or “hey, wanna go out to dinner and to get a few drinks?”

I really have no one.

I love my husband, and I adore my children, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But all of their love doesn’t stop the feeling of worthless that I have right now. Because if, aside from your children and husband, nobody gives a shit about you, doesn’t that make you fairly worthless to the world?

And that, in under 1300 words, is why I avoid answering the phone.

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