Pride

29 Jul

I’m not a prideful person. If you were to look at me and to say “Randi, your photos are amazing! You should be extremely proud of yourself!” My answer would be, “Thank you so much.”

Inside, however, I’m thinking something very different.

Inside I’m wondering if you honestly mean what you’re saying. I wonder if you actually think my photos are good or if you’re just saying that they are to make me feel good. Like when you say “that baby is SO ADORABLE!” within earshot of the new mother and then, when the mother is no longer there you say “OMG that is the UGLIEST BABY I’ve ever SEEN!.”

I wonder if you actually looked at the photo or just glanced at it. I wonder why you like it – do you see what I see or are you just pretending?

I never think my photos are good enough.

I never think my work is good enough.

Hell, I never think I’m good enough.

I’ve been told by people close to me that I need to “get over it” – that I need to start taking pride in myself and my work.

Tonight my neighbor told me that I was a very humble person.

I don’t know if that’s the truth or if it’s more that I never feel good enough. I will guarantee you that I could have a huge art show, with critics saying over and over again how amazing my work was, and I would still say “wow, I must’ve gotten really lucky today. Maybe they were drinking or something.”

I have the support of some amazing people. My husband, for starters, has been extremely amazing about supporting me in anything I want to do. A number of family members have as well. My children have put up with me working constantly and having to deal with clients coming into our home (and the mad dash of cleaning that precludes their visit). What surprises me the most is that not only have friends supported me, but people I went to high school with who I never really had much to do with at the time. They have come out in droves to support and cheer me on.

It makes me extremely grateful. Grateful that I have such a wonderful husband, grateful that my children are amazing, grateful for my friends and supportive family members, and grateful that I went to a small school and that everyone is so supportive.

Does that mean that I’ll ever start believing that I’m an “amazing” photographer or that I am an awesome writer?

I highly doubt it.

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2 Responses to “Pride”

  1. Megan July 29, 2011 at 1:33 am #

    I never think my work is good enough either. But I think the benefit to that is you never stop trying to be better, so you your work is always growing and getting better.

    Lap up the compliments, but keep working hard. I’m so thrilled to see how far you’ve come since I first “met” you!

  2. Cherie August 16, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

    Awesome photo Randi, you are very good at what you do. It is only natural and good that you want to keep improving what you do, that is what makes you great. Keep telling yourself, everyday. Write positive notes and leave them throughout the house to keep reminding yourself!

    Peace, Cherie

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