Fighting Again

4 Feb

It’s easy to forget that I’m not whole. For months and months at a time things go beautifully and I’m fine. Then something happens, or in this case a lot of things happen, and even though I try to fight it back, it comes to the surface and takes over.


If you were to meet me on any given day you would say “wow, there’s a happy, silly, overly-talkative person”, and you’d be right. That’s what 99% of the people who meet me see. As a good friend told me the other day, I’m a good actress.

It’s not exactly like I’m acting – I consider myself more than one person. Just call me Sybil. There’s work-mode Randi, and mom Randi, and wife Randi, and fun Randi and disciplining Randi and…it goes on and on. Hidden under the surface, however, the demon waits. It waits until something happens that allows it to come out. All it needs is a little crack and suddenly I’m fighting it back.

I fight.

For days and weeks I fight. But then I can’t fight anymore and it pops out. That’s when I’m someone even I don’t recognize. That’s when I’m someone who can barely get off the couch to go get her children from school. Most of the time when this demon comes out it only creeps out for a short time, does a bit of minor damage, then leaves.

This time it did some major damage.

This time I found myself doing things that I’ve never done. Things I’ve never even thought about doing. And at the time they seemed right. They seemed normal. They made me feel good. Even though the rational side of my brain realized then (and now) that what I was doing was stupid, it felt right.

I scared myself.

I’m still scared.

I’m feeling quite a bit better, but I’m scared that the demon will surface again. I know it takes time to get well again, but here’s the thing: when you’re well, you forget that you have that demon lurking under the surface, just waiting to take you back into the deep, dark cave and to leave you alone there. Then the demon surfaces and you forget that it’s possible to be happy. You forget that at one point you had forgotten that you even had a demon to deal with.

I’m not 100% yet, but we’re working on it. Yes, we. Scott is here. Scott’s taking care of me and making sure that stupid things don’t happen. He’s on my ass like white on rice right now, but I need it. It feels right. I need to know that if I can’t make good decisions right now, he’ll take over for me.

I’m still in the cave, but the view is looking better by the day.


4 Responses to “Fighting Again”

  1. Jenera February 4, 2012 at 3:08 am #

    I have been in your shoes more times than I can count. It’s great you have a wonderful husband willing to step up. I am lucky with Daniel too because having just one other person makes it just a tiny bit easier to keep going.

  2. Dan February 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

    It’s good that you are scared. It shows that you are strong. That you are not giving in to the deamons. It shows that you will get through this. You will survive this. You will survive this and be stronger than ever before. You will come out of this with a strength and a drive you haven’t known before. But, for the meantime, don’t be too hard on yourself. This happens to so many of us. Your relationship will be stronger than ever before because you can trull know that no matter what, your husband is your rock. He is unwaivering in his love and support. You are scared. You are supported. You are loved. You are strong. You will overcome this.

  3. Megan February 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    I’m glad he’s taking care of you. Have you looked into why this keeps coming back? It might be helpful to figure out the underlying problem so you can keep it at bay for good.

    In the meantime, be easy on yourself and know that there is the other side and that you will get there. xo


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