Four Months

It’s been four months since I’ve posted anything. Almost five months. Quite frankly the longest amount of time I’ve ever gone not writing on here. What’s happened? A lot – but nothing you likely care about.

I realized, as I was re-reading some of my last posts, that I was making this blog more of a “this is what I did today” blog than what I had intended it to be – a digital diary. So I’m going to go back to that format. I’m going to write what I think, and what I need to get off my chest, and am going to try (TRY) not to care if I offend anyone – namely family and in-law family.

First, how adorable are they?!

Toad and Babygirl are doing wonderfully. Toad has been sleeping much better (although he still needs melatonin in order to do so, but the doctor, and we, are fine with that) and Babygirl has blossomed a great deal this summer. As you can see she’s doing her best to bring the 80’s back LOL.

Scott’s fine – he still hates work, but that will likely never change unless he gets a new position somewhere else. He’s been an ENORMOUS help this past year with the photography business and has taken over all of the financial aspect of it, which has taken tons of stress off of me.

How am I?

Happy
Frustrated
Tired
Stressed
Frustrated
Grumpy
Sad
Frustrated
Silly
Crazy
Frustrated
Frustrated
Frustrated…

Oh – wait – I wrote frustrated more than once, didn’t I? But why am I so frustrated you may ask? Okay, you probably wouldn’t ask because you would be worried about the answer. I’m frustrated about, well, everything. Life, basically. I get frustrated that my emotions aren’t where I want them to be, and frustrated that I’m not spending as much time as I want to with the kids, and that I don’t have the house as clean as I’d like it, and that I can’t seem to change a lot of things that I’d like to change, and most especially that I don’t handle stress now very well at all.

Remember that little breakdown in February? The one where I didn’t get off the couch for about a month? Ever since then, I can’t handle stress anywhere near as well as I used to. Now it seems like simple little things, such as the kids asking if they can have a candy bar even though it’s only 1 1/2 hours until dinner time but they swweeaarrrr that they’re really hungry stresses me out. I don’t know what to answer. Do I say ‘yes’ and hope that they really are hungry? Do I say ‘no’ and make them suffer? Lately I’ve been having Scott make those decisions.

Example: we’re at the grocery store. Babygirl asks if she can buy a bottle of some drink or other. Before February? I’d decide. Now my decision is: “ask your father”.

Fortunately Scott’s been amazing at handling these things, and I’m so, SO grateful to him.

Yet sometimes I still feel alone.

One of my closest friends friends lives a number of hours away. In the past she’s driven back to this area and has stayed at our house while she is visiting with friends and family. I usually get to spend a few hours with her catching up before she heads back.

I found out she’s back. She’s here. She’s not staying with me – didn’t ask to – and is instead staying with her sister-in-law who she claimed to hate. Maybe things changed – I don’t know – all I know is that we haven’t been close for a long time, and I miss that.

My sister-in-law (the only one who actually gives a crap about this part of their family and boy don’t I have a story to write about THAT) is focusing on her mother. We’ve seen very little of her, or her fiance, this summer and I can feel that relationship disintegrating as well.

My cousin does weddings with me, and she’s very sweet, but I wind up being her therapist half the time rather than her equal.

My husband is, again, wonderful and I love talking with him, but he’s inside of the situation and sometimes I just want someone who is outside of things. Someone who can see things differently and maybe someone who will occasionally be there to say, “okay, you’re right, you really don’t fit in – but you know why? Because you’re amazing and they’re all freakish idiots and let’s go get some chocolate fudge brownie ice cream and watch a stupid sappy movie together while we bitch about life – okay?”

Trust me, I don’t mind being told if I’m fucking up or if I’m the one who has made the mistake, but this not having anyone – this feeling so alone?

Sucks.

Ass.

The funny thing about this is that if you were to know me in person? You’d think I was hilarious. You’d think that I was full of life and vim and vigor and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me that a diet wouldn’t cure.

I’m a really good actress.

I wonder if Anne Hathaway or Julia Roberts are lonely.